Torn

Song of The Day: One by Ed Sheeran 
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ix9NXVIbm2A
I feel like I am on the edge of a precipice. I am at the point where if I am sitting alone and begin to drown myself in memories of friendships and school, I will come tumbling down. Yes, this is how I feel about school coming to an end.
One moment I am freaking ecstatic because I am graduating from high school in exactly twenty-five days. The next moment, I could be listening to Good Riddance by Green Day and I will feel the tears welling up in my eyes. For some odd reason, that song still makes me cry after all these years. I feel as if I am torn. I want to leave, but then I don't; I want to branch out and meet new friends, but I still want to keep my current ones. It is like I do not know what I want anymore. I have sat down many times over the past few weeks on my bed trying to rationalize things. I try to figure out what the hell is my problem. Back in September, I remember being so joyous and ready to be finished with high school, but now, I am sort of rethinking my situation. Don't get me wrong, I am most definitely going to miss the dear WHS, but it's been a long four years. I wish I had the right words to sum up how I feel about graduating, but honestly, I don't. Just this morning I was sitting in my first block class, and I was thinking, thinking myself to tears. I was thinking about senior night live, senior teach day, and the rest of the senior activities. Right then it occurred to me. It is totally fine to cry about graduating. The tears that I cry, they are tears of joy in disguise. I just feel like there is a flood of emotions inside of me just waiting for the dam to break.
I was recently talking to my school librarian, and she said that all of this does not become completely clear to you until you are laying in bed in your empty room the night before you leave for college. Just thinking about it now makes me want to cry. I wanted to tell her that I feel that now. I feel like now it is becoming so clear to me that it is almost over and a new chapter is about to begin. I am just torn between opening that new book and staying in the old one until I am ready to move on. We all say that we are ready to graduate, we are ready to get out into our own, and we are ready to reach new heights, but in reality, we are all scared. I know that I am and I have no issue acknowledging it. I am 100% terrified of the new life I am about to begin soon. I know that I am going to have to adjust to new things, but it is all a part of the process. It is a part of the process called growing up. I keep telling myself that I am so damn happy about graduating that I cannot stop crying. Inside of my tears are traces of happiness, accomplishment, and vacillation. The tears of happiness come from deep within me because I am happy that I am graduating. How could one not be happy about graduating from high school? The tears of accomplishment come directly from my heart because I am just so proud of myself. If I looked into my future during my junior year, I never would have believed the direction that my life is going in now. The feeling of accomplishment feels so lovely because I am just one step closer to my future. And then there are the tears of vacillation. The sensation of being torn between wanting to stay and wanting to go is so scary. Not knowing what can and will happen next is unnerving. There was a time when I would have called myself stupid for saying that I am scared to leave high school. These past four years have been the epitome of heaven and hell on Earth. Some moments have been better than others, but I don't think I would ever trade it. What we go through and experience shape us more than anything. Eventually, everything will play out. Until it does, I will be counting down the days until I graduate and contemplating how I should feel about all of this!

-Summer L.

I Can’t Stop

Song of The Day: That’s What’s Up by Edward Sharpe & The Magnetic Zeros [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Sj0Ha7Xkw7Y&feature=kp]. This is totally different from what I usually listen to, but I fell in love with the song when I first heard a cover of it by Lennon and Maisy [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0-Mr2pmuad4].

 I find it absolutely mesmerizing how things end up. I find it crazy and unbelievable how something that has been so clear to you for a really long time immediately goes away and another door or opportunity comes knocking the next minute.
Yesterday I had the one of the most amazing experiences of my life. I toured the place that I will call home for the next four years. People obviously were not lying when they said that I would fall in love with the campus. It is beautiful, historical, and just so much to take in. As soon as my parents and I rode onto the campus, I immediately felt it in my bones that I was at home. I felt that after I saw a long line of guys in camo and boots. In that single moment, I was reminded of Windsor immediately. Never in a million years would I have thought that I would be going to freaking Virginia Tech. I know that I have been rambling for days about how thrilled I am and how beautiful the campus is, and I am more than sure that my Facebook friends and family are sick of hearing about it already but I cannot stop. There is so much excitement in my life right now that I cannot do anything but talk about it. I am overwhelmed, and that barely describes my feelings about all of this. I thank God constantly for where I am in life right now because I obviously would not be here if it were not for Him, but also because I applied to Tech. At first, I only applied to VT to see if I would get in. I honestly did not believe I would get in. My mind was SO made up on George Mason. I had made plans for GMU and had mapped everything out. After touring Virginia Tech yesterday, I just had this feeling. I think that somehow and someway I was meant to go to here. I know that may seem crazy, but I believe this is true. We go through craziness and trials in our lives to lead us to where we need to be. Maybe George Mason was not where I needed to be. It is like that cliché saying, “When one door closes, another one opens.” I am happy and proud of the direction my life is heading. I cannot even put in words how delighted I am to be graduating soon and going to college. It is a completely new chapter of my life, a new beginning. I have the opportunity to reinvent myself and have a clean slate. I think this is going to be great for me. I was recently notified that I was accepted to the Virginia Tech Summer Academy, so I will be leaving for school in July, which is even scarier. After graduation, I will have like three weeks at home and then I leave for college. The summer academy supposed to be a transitioning thing to help upcoming freshmen make that jump from being in high school to being in college and independent. That is absolutely exciting because there are so many awesome things that go along with going to VTSA like moving into your dorm before your roommate and going to Hokie Camp. Every time I realize that I was one of the 5,400 students accepted to Virginia Tech out of the 20,000 who applied, I think, “holy shit! I did that!” I have made another accomplishment in my life. I have reached a goal because of MY hard work and MY determination, along with the help of my amazing support team. Life is beautiful and full of excitement at the moment. I am just trying my best to continue being optimistic because it feels as if when things are going TOO good, something negative and unwanted to bound to happen. Right now, in this single moment, I just cannot stop smiling.
-Summer L.

Tech, Here I Come!

Song of The Week: Beating Heart by Ellie Goulding: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wrNTOo4KH8c

I feel like I haven't blogged in ages! Well, I haven't done it since December, but I am so happy to be able to find time to do it again. I have so much to share and be happy about. These past few months have flown by incredibly fast. It feels as if life is just shooting right by and I can barely hold on to it. I would like to share the most amazing and best news that I have received this month. This is how it happened/I found out. 

So from the 21st to the 23rd, my school's Beta Club went to the State Convention to compete in some competitions and to represent our lovely school. We were at our second session, and I hate to admit this, but I was on Facebook the majority of the time. It wasn't that it was boring, I was just interested to know what was going on back at home. I saw one of my close friends post that she was accepted to Virginia Tech. Right then and there, my nerves shot up! I immediately went to the VT admissions page, and there was a little headline saying that freshman application decisions will be posted on March 21, 2014 after 5 p.m. I was so nervous and excited all at once. I tapped my friend on the shoulder to notify her because she applied to Tech as well. When I told her, we both began trying to log onto the server. Of course, the website was not working. I found out around quarter to six that the decisions were being posted, and even then the website was already down due to the traffic. When the website finally began to load, I became even more nervous. I entered my information, and the website began loading. I was absolutely terrified because I was afraid of the outcome. I needed to get into this school. The website once again notified me that I should come back later. Fast forwarding to 10 p.m., the girls and I went downstairs to the lobby before we headed up to the Beta mixer. My friend wanted to use the hotel's computer to see if the website would be back up. She said, "Summer, you can use this computer to check yours." All sorts of emotions were running through my mind because if I did not get in, I wouldn't want them to know. I responded by making up some pathetic lie about not wanting to check it because I would rather do it after the Beta Convention is over. There was some truth to that because if I did not get it, I wouldn't have wanted it to ruin my whole trip. While my friend was checking her status, I heard her squeal. It was not just a little squeal, it was full on! She was excited and happy that she got in, and I was for her. While she was freaking out and reading the information, little did she and the other girls know that I was checking my application status on my phone. I didn't want them to know. The page was finally beginning to load. Emotions were flowing through me and my stomach began to hurt. I was trembling a little bit, but I was also trying to conceal the fact that I was BEYOND nervous. All of a sudden, the page decides to load! I let out the biggest scream in the whole wide world. The other girl from another school that was in the computer lounge probably thought I was insane. I GOT IN! I screamed, I jumped, and I cried. Yes, I cried and I am not ashamed of it. I wasn't like sobbing, but more of a happy cry. The girls congratulated me, and the first thing I did was call my mom. I was on the phone, and the fact that it was close to eleven was completely oblivious to me. My mom answered the phone sounding halfway knocked out, and I began telling her my fantastic news. She was so happy for me, and I was beyond ecstatic. I rushed back up stairs to tell my sponsors that I got in and they congratulated me. I just wanted to tell everyone. I was proud of myself because I accomplished something that I didn't think I would. Part of the reason I cried is because I honestly didn't think I would get in. I truthfully didn't. I achieved something I did not think I could, and that makes me so happy. Although Tech wasn't my first choice, it is now! That is where I will be in the fall. After some serious rationalization, sorting out of pros and cons, and venting to friends and teachers, I made my final decision. I think this will  be the greatest decision I have ever made in my seventeen years of living. Now that I am sure of where I will be in the fall, I have began planning. I am excited for college and what it has to bring. I can't wait to meet new people and find an awesome roommate. I know it will be extremely difficult at first and hard to readjust, but I don't think it's nothing I cannot handle.

I just felt the need to share something awesome that has happened lately. Things are going absolutely great for me right now, and I pray to God that it continues to stay this way. Prom is in 26 days and graduation is in 74. My senior year is so close to being over. It is scary but fulfilling. I just cannot wait to walk across that stage at WHS and finally accomplish my biggest goal. I hope that all is well with everyone who reads my blog. I just feel right blogging because I can type out the words that are kept inside. It is a beautiful feeling.

Have a lovely week,

-Summer L.

Wanting to feel comfortable again...

Song of Day: Pretty Hurts by Beyoncé

Each year I have the same New Year's resolution--lose weight. Every year I say that I am going to do it. I say that I am going to make this commitment. The beginning of this year, I started my healthier way of eating for like a week, then I fell off. Truthfully, I think it was because I was trying to lose weight for the wrong reason. I thought that if I lost a pound or 20, I would finally get a boyfriend. Pretty pathetic, right? Also, one of the people that I used to be extremely close to was going on a diet, so I was like, "I can do this because they are." Then, one of my long time friends began dieting and she lost TONS of weight. She looks absolutely amazing now, and I am beyond proud of her. She has inspired me to try even harder. This time, I want to lose weight for the right reasons. I want to feel comfortable in my body again. I want to look in the mirror naked and love the reflection I see (TMI?). I want to be able to go prom dress shopping with my friends and not feel so insecure because they have beautiful bodies and I don't. I want to feel good again, and not feel the urge to cry whenever other girls gossip about the teeny tiny pant size. I want to love myself again. I feel as if these are the right reasons.

I have never been a small girl. Even when I was a baby, I was a little chubby. My dad's side of the family is "big boned", as they would say. May I note that I HATE that  phrase! I do not want to let that be an excuse for my size like they do. I know that some people are meant to have a certain body frame, but I feel like this isn't the one I should have. It is extremely difficult trying to lose weight while living in a home where your father cooks the most delicious meals ever. It is simple, I love to eat. It is so hard wanting to feel comfortable about my body image while living in a home surrounded by food. It is hard wanting to eat healthy when I live in a home where the rule is, if you don't eat what's on the table, you don't eat at all. Trust me, I don't complain when I taste the food, but I always feel so bad afterwards. The other day, I went to the dentist, and for some unknown reason, they want to take your weight. My little sister went first, and of course, she barely weighs a pound over 100. Finally, it's my time to go, and my heart begins to race a little bit. I step on the scale, and I tell the nurse, "you don't have to say it out loud." I did not want my mom and sister to know. After I saw my weight, I felt SO upset with myself because I know I can do so much better. I kept making up excuses like, maybe it is a little bit higher because I didn't take off my boots. That moment there, I knew making up excuses was not going to cut it.

I want to do this for myself. I just wish that losing weight was as easy as gaining it. Gaining weight is almost effortless. Losing it, not so much. Do not get me wrong, I love myself dearly. I just want to feel comfortable again. My goal for this year is to lose at least 20 pounds. If I lose more than that, I will be astonished. I know of course it will be hard, and I also know that I say the same exact thing each year, but something about this upcoming year feels different. I have way too much to look forward to in 2014. I will be graduating, going my senior prom, senior trip, college, and I will be turning 18 in the fall. I am beyond excited for all of this.

As we cross into a new year in three days, I want to say that 2013 has been one hell of a year. Honestly, I don't think I have ever cried or stressed out as much as I have this year. This year has had its ups & its MANY downs. I am, and always will be, grateful for the lessons I have learned this year. From everything that I have gathered, the most important thing I have learned is to never let people who don't give a single damn about your life, dreams, feelings, or anything about you for that matter ruin your day. Life is too short to be surrounded by those who don't care. Next year, be around the people who will better your life, not ruin it.

I hope everyone has a lovely New Year...

•••Summer L.

Is it really the most wonderful time of the year for everyone?

Song of The Day: Shake It Up x Natasha Bedingfield [One of my favorite Christmas songs]

Christmas is coming along. It's funny how this is the happiest, yet saddest, holiday for people all around the world. There is always so much festivity and joy during this time, but to know that there are some in the world who cannot feel this excitement for the holiday makes my heart hurt. I just wish there was someway to make this all better so that everyone could share the happiness together. I know that there is the angel tree, food drives, and all of those other donations from communities, but I wish there was someway, somehow, that we as a society could do much more. Knowing that little kids will not have the chance to wake up at the crack of dawn on Christmas morning and not have gifts to open or a table spread with Christmas dinner is disheartening. We take what we have for granted, and it know that is a cliché, but it is too true. A group of ladies at my church recently came back from Kenya on a mission trip, and they told stories how different it is over there. After hearing the summary of their trip, I realize that we have so much to be grateful for, but most of us do not even notice it. The children in Africa were thrilled when they received something simple. They were flabbergasted when one of the women showed them that she could turn her cell phone around different ways to take a photo. They were just shocked that she had a cell phone. Sara (I believe it was her), one of the women who went on the trip, said that when their missionary group arrived to the village, first there were a few villagers arriving, but then several men, women, and children arrived just to see them. They walked just to come and see Americans. She said they kept asking why she was not Caucasian because not many of the previous missionaries consisted of black women. They were just astonished to see people of their own skin color that were from America, the place they have heard so much about. If we all were content with everything we had, our lives would be so much better. If we had the hearts of those children who were happy with what they had, we would all be so different. There is nothing wrong with living a simplistic lifestyle, but we chose not to. Of course those families in Kenya need help because of poverty, HIV/Aids, and other damaging factors, but they have what they need and they're happy with that. 

Another thing that ladies shared from their trip was that the adults and children praised God. No matter what their circumstances were, they praised. They danced, sang songs, and worshipped God for what they had. Hearing that today made me reflect on so much. We all have been given so much, but do we take a single moment to say thank you? A quote on Instagram a while back stopped me, and it said, “What if you woke up today with only the things you thanked God for yesterday?” This single quote opened my mind so much. Take a moment to think about that. What if you woke up tomorrow morning with the things you thanked God for today? What would you awake up with? We have to think about these things. Every single chance we get, say thank you.

Always be grateful for everything you have. If it is only a pair of socks, be grateful because someone in the world does not have that. We do not look like what we have been through, so every chance you have, say thank you. As the holiday approaches, do something that will benefit someone else. We should do this all year round, but if you do not, please do. If you only give a quarter to the people standing in front of stores or give a bag of old clothes to a person in need, that is enough. Do something that will make someone else smile. No one should have to be down during the happiest time of the year. Life is too short not to do good deeds for each other. If you don't have anything to be happy about right now, take a deep breath. You are breathing, and that is EVERYTHING to be happy about.

Happy Holidays! With much love,

Summer E. Lawrence.

How could we change the world?

Today I was asked to enter a contest along with some others at my school that required writing a 400 word (maximum) statement on something that is preventing the world (local community, state, etc.) from moving forward, how it can be fixed, and why is it important to us. I wish it could have been longer because I really wanted to go in to full detail on this topic. I might have been a tad bit mad that I found out the deadline was tomorrow, so this was a spur of the moment thing. I just felt like sharing this with you all.

In today’s society, there is a constant struggle between what we know and what we assume. The constant lack of knowledge that lies within the world is prohibiting us as a nation from reaching our full potential. Imagine living in a world where there is no ignorance. It would be a complete utopia. The lack of knowing about other people’s lives, cultures, and personal backgrounds are one of the main reasons we cannot get ahead as a whole. If everyone takes just one minute to learn a single fact about stranger’s background, who knows what the world can be. There are more similarities between the people around us than we would like to believe. Some assume that since a person is a specific race or religion they are going to portray a particular personality or live a specific life. They give in to a disgraceful type of assumption known as stereotypes.
Across the world, there are labels for every race. African Americans are expected to be ‘ghetto’, non-sophisticated individuals, Caucasians are expected to be upper class and prestigious persons, and people from the Middle Eastern region are directly assumed to be terrorists. That is the reality of closed-minded people. If we could grasp their brain-washed minds, we could make them understand that all African Americans are not lower class citizens who depend on welfare, all Caucasians do not get fed off a silver spoon their whole lives, and not all of those from the Middle Eastern part of the world plan on destroying the United States. When society gets rid of ignorant stereotypes, America will then reach its zenith. We cannot get ahead if society continues to inhibit those fabricated assumptions.
This issue as a whole is significant to me because I have been stereotyped all of my life. When one is diverse and completely opposite of her racial stereotype, others begin to create wrongful assumptions. Everyone has been stereotyped or put in that position at least once in their lifetime. It is our job to prove the close-minded people wrong and show them whom we really are. One should be defined by the character that shines through her, not by the color of her skin, nor through the God she may or may not worship.

It gets easier...(they said)

Song of The Day: You're Not Alone by Marrie Miller

Let me just note that today was the absolute worst day of all of the days I have been in high school. I usually have great days. I'm always super optimistic from the beginning of school until I leave. Today was different, much different. It seems like most of my problems from school end up having to do with my friends, well, acquaintances. 

Most of the people I am close friends with, I have known them since at least elementary school. When you are friends with a person for that long, things should feel as if they are progressing in a positive way. Well, things feel like they are declining. High school really does change people. Some people are changed for the better, and then you have those who don't. I used to have the hardest time making friends, but this year I have made SO many, and I think that is where the problem is. People are right when they say keep your circle small. I have never had this many people that I am "cool" with, and that makes me so proud. Believe it or not, I used to be extremely quiet and shy. People literally had to make me speak. If you did not talk to me, I did not talk to you. I changed for the better (I like to believe).

Being around new people, you want them to like you, laugh at your jokes, and just appreciate you. To be apart of a group in high school, you will do about anything to fit in. The people you hang out with have a strong effect on you. I know from personal experience, especially this year. The people you believe are your friends are the ones who will have you laughing so much one day and crying in the school bathroom the next.

From my experiences this year, I have learned that the only friend you can depend on to be honest with you is yourself, for the most part. Depend only on yourself, or you will most likely end up like me- wondering why the people you call your friends hurt you so badly. 

Friendships are complicated, especially if there is trouble when the relationship is new and fragile. I have also learned not to expect much from others. You cannot make people like you. Even if you go to extreme lengths to make them laugh or do anything to make them feel included, there's a chance they will not like you. It hurts when you will do anything to please that one friend, but as soon as she hears something that was ASSUMED from a person she has known for a very small time, she will flee and judge you. It happens. 

I think when you are friends for a really long time with someone, you can feel when the friendship is slowly fading away. There will be many moments when you two cannot come to similar terms. There will be times when you cannot fix something that was broken a long time ago. After that, one day you two will look at each other and that's it. All you will have is the memories from a friendship that you thought would never end. 

My goal is just not to stress the little things. Friendships come and go, but you just have to learn to get over it. Stay optimistic. Being happy is good for the body. There are way too many reasons not to be happy. If you are alive and breathing, that's enough to be happy about right there. 

Positivity is the key.

-Summer :)