Wanting to feel comfortable again...

Song of Day: Pretty Hurts by Beyoncé

Each year I have the same New Year's resolution--lose weight. Every year I say that I am going to do it. I say that I am going to make this commitment. The beginning of this year, I started my healthier way of eating for like a week, then I fell off. Truthfully, I think it was because I was trying to lose weight for the wrong reason. I thought that if I lost a pound or 20, I would finally get a boyfriend. Pretty pathetic, right? Also, one of the people that I used to be extremely close to was going on a diet, so I was like, "I can do this because they are." Then, one of my long time friends began dieting and she lost TONS of weight. She looks absolutely amazing now, and I am beyond proud of her. She has inspired me to try even harder. This time, I want to lose weight for the right reasons. I want to feel comfortable in my body again. I want to look in the mirror naked and love the reflection I see (TMI?). I want to be able to go prom dress shopping with my friends and not feel so insecure because they have beautiful bodies and I don't. I want to feel good again, and not feel the urge to cry whenever other girls gossip about the teeny tiny pant size. I want to love myself again. I feel as if these are the right reasons.

I have never been a small girl. Even when I was a baby, I was a little chubby. My dad's side of the family is "big boned", as they would say. May I note that I HATE that  phrase! I do not want to let that be an excuse for my size like they do. I know that some people are meant to have a certain body frame, but I feel like this isn't the one I should have. It is extremely difficult trying to lose weight while living in a home where your father cooks the most delicious meals ever. It is simple, I love to eat. It is so hard wanting to feel comfortable about my body image while living in a home surrounded by food. It is hard wanting to eat healthy when I live in a home where the rule is, if you don't eat what's on the table, you don't eat at all. Trust me, I don't complain when I taste the food, but I always feel so bad afterwards. The other day, I went to the dentist, and for some unknown reason, they want to take your weight. My little sister went first, and of course, she barely weighs a pound over 100. Finally, it's my time to go, and my heart begins to race a little bit. I step on the scale, and I tell the nurse, "you don't have to say it out loud." I did not want my mom and sister to know. After I saw my weight, I felt SO upset with myself because I know I can do so much better. I kept making up excuses like, maybe it is a little bit higher because I didn't take off my boots. That moment there, I knew making up excuses was not going to cut it.

I want to do this for myself. I just wish that losing weight was as easy as gaining it. Gaining weight is almost effortless. Losing it, not so much. Do not get me wrong, I love myself dearly. I just want to feel comfortable again. My goal for this year is to lose at least 20 pounds. If I lose more than that, I will be astonished. I know of course it will be hard, and I also know that I say the same exact thing each year, but something about this upcoming year feels different. I have way too much to look forward to in 2014. I will be graduating, going my senior prom, senior trip, college, and I will be turning 18 in the fall. I am beyond excited for all of this.

As we cross into a new year in three days, I want to say that 2013 has been one hell of a year. Honestly, I don't think I have ever cried or stressed out as much as I have this year. This year has had its ups & its MANY downs. I am, and always will be, grateful for the lessons I have learned this year. From everything that I have gathered, the most important thing I have learned is to never let people who don't give a single damn about your life, dreams, feelings, or anything about you for that matter ruin your day. Life is too short to be surrounded by those who don't care. Next year, be around the people who will better your life, not ruin it.

I hope everyone has a lovely New Year...

•••Summer L.

Is it really the most wonderful time of the year for everyone?

Song of The Day: Shake It Up x Natasha Bedingfield [One of my favorite Christmas songs]

Christmas is coming along. It's funny how this is the happiest, yet saddest, holiday for people all around the world. There is always so much festivity and joy during this time, but to know that there are some in the world who cannot feel this excitement for the holiday makes my heart hurt. I just wish there was someway to make this all better so that everyone could share the happiness together. I know that there is the angel tree, food drives, and all of those other donations from communities, but I wish there was someway, somehow, that we as a society could do much more. Knowing that little kids will not have the chance to wake up at the crack of dawn on Christmas morning and not have gifts to open or a table spread with Christmas dinner is disheartening. We take what we have for granted, and it know that is a cliché, but it is too true. A group of ladies at my church recently came back from Kenya on a mission trip, and they told stories how different it is over there. After hearing the summary of their trip, I realize that we have so much to be grateful for, but most of us do not even notice it. The children in Africa were thrilled when they received something simple. They were flabbergasted when one of the women showed them that she could turn her cell phone around different ways to take a photo. They were just shocked that she had a cell phone. Sara (I believe it was her), one of the women who went on the trip, said that when their missionary group arrived to the village, first there were a few villagers arriving, but then several men, women, and children arrived just to see them. They walked just to come and see Americans. She said they kept asking why she was not Caucasian because not many of the previous missionaries consisted of black women. They were just astonished to see people of their own skin color that were from America, the place they have heard so much about. If we all were content with everything we had, our lives would be so much better. If we had the hearts of those children who were happy with what they had, we would all be so different. There is nothing wrong with living a simplistic lifestyle, but we chose not to. Of course those families in Kenya need help because of poverty, HIV/Aids, and other damaging factors, but they have what they need and they're happy with that. 

Another thing that ladies shared from their trip was that the adults and children praised God. No matter what their circumstances were, they praised. They danced, sang songs, and worshipped God for what they had. Hearing that today made me reflect on so much. We all have been given so much, but do we take a single moment to say thank you? A quote on Instagram a while back stopped me, and it said, “What if you woke up today with only the things you thanked God for yesterday?” This single quote opened my mind so much. Take a moment to think about that. What if you woke up tomorrow morning with the things you thanked God for today? What would you awake up with? We have to think about these things. Every single chance we get, say thank you.

Always be grateful for everything you have. If it is only a pair of socks, be grateful because someone in the world does not have that. We do not look like what we have been through, so every chance you have, say thank you. As the holiday approaches, do something that will benefit someone else. We should do this all year round, but if you do not, please do. If you only give a quarter to the people standing in front of stores or give a bag of old clothes to a person in need, that is enough. Do something that will make someone else smile. No one should have to be down during the happiest time of the year. Life is too short not to do good deeds for each other. If you don't have anything to be happy about right now, take a deep breath. You are breathing, and that is EVERYTHING to be happy about.

Happy Holidays! With much love,

Summer E. Lawrence.

How could we change the world?

Today I was asked to enter a contest along with some others at my school that required writing a 400 word (maximum) statement on something that is preventing the world (local community, state, etc.) from moving forward, how it can be fixed, and why is it important to us. I wish it could have been longer because I really wanted to go in to full detail on this topic. I might have been a tad bit mad that I found out the deadline was tomorrow, so this was a spur of the moment thing. I just felt like sharing this with you all.

In today’s society, there is a constant struggle between what we know and what we assume. The constant lack of knowledge that lies within the world is prohibiting us as a nation from reaching our full potential. Imagine living in a world where there is no ignorance. It would be a complete utopia. The lack of knowing about other people’s lives, cultures, and personal backgrounds are one of the main reasons we cannot get ahead as a whole. If everyone takes just one minute to learn a single fact about stranger’s background, who knows what the world can be. There are more similarities between the people around us than we would like to believe. Some assume that since a person is a specific race or religion they are going to portray a particular personality or live a specific life. They give in to a disgraceful type of assumption known as stereotypes.
Across the world, there are labels for every race. African Americans are expected to be ‘ghetto’, non-sophisticated individuals, Caucasians are expected to be upper class and prestigious persons, and people from the Middle Eastern region are directly assumed to be terrorists. That is the reality of closed-minded people. If we could grasp their brain-washed minds, we could make them understand that all African Americans are not lower class citizens who depend on welfare, all Caucasians do not get fed off a silver spoon their whole lives, and not all of those from the Middle Eastern part of the world plan on destroying the United States. When society gets rid of ignorant stereotypes, America will then reach its zenith. We cannot get ahead if society continues to inhibit those fabricated assumptions.
This issue as a whole is significant to me because I have been stereotyped all of my life. When one is diverse and completely opposite of her racial stereotype, others begin to create wrongful assumptions. Everyone has been stereotyped or put in that position at least once in their lifetime. It is our job to prove the close-minded people wrong and show them whom we really are. One should be defined by the character that shines through her, not by the color of her skin, nor through the God she may or may not worship.

It gets easier...(they said)

Song of The Day: You're Not Alone by Marrie Miller

Let me just note that today was the absolute worst day of all of the days I have been in high school. I usually have great days. I'm always super optimistic from the beginning of school until I leave. Today was different, much different. It seems like most of my problems from school end up having to do with my friends, well, acquaintances. 

Most of the people I am close friends with, I have known them since at least elementary school. When you are friends with a person for that long, things should feel as if they are progressing in a positive way. Well, things feel like they are declining. High school really does change people. Some people are changed for the better, and then you have those who don't. I used to have the hardest time making friends, but this year I have made SO many, and I think that is where the problem is. People are right when they say keep your circle small. I have never had this many people that I am "cool" with, and that makes me so proud. Believe it or not, I used to be extremely quiet and shy. People literally had to make me speak. If you did not talk to me, I did not talk to you. I changed for the better (I like to believe).

Being around new people, you want them to like you, laugh at your jokes, and just appreciate you. To be apart of a group in high school, you will do about anything to fit in. The people you hang out with have a strong effect on you. I know from personal experience, especially this year. The people you believe are your friends are the ones who will have you laughing so much one day and crying in the school bathroom the next.

From my experiences this year, I have learned that the only friend you can depend on to be honest with you is yourself, for the most part. Depend only on yourself, or you will most likely end up like me- wondering why the people you call your friends hurt you so badly. 

Friendships are complicated, especially if there is trouble when the relationship is new and fragile. I have also learned not to expect much from others. You cannot make people like you. Even if you go to extreme lengths to make them laugh or do anything to make them feel included, there's a chance they will not like you. It hurts when you will do anything to please that one friend, but as soon as she hears something that was ASSUMED from a person she has known for a very small time, she will flee and judge you. It happens. 

I think when you are friends for a really long time with someone, you can feel when the friendship is slowly fading away. There will be many moments when you two cannot come to similar terms. There will be times when you cannot fix something that was broken a long time ago. After that, one day you two will look at each other and that's it. All you will have is the memories from a friendship that you thought would never end. 

My goal is just not to stress the little things. Friendships come and go, but you just have to learn to get over it. Stay optimistic. Being happy is good for the body. There are way too many reasons not to be happy. If you are alive and breathing, that's enough to be happy about right there. 

Positivity is the key.

-Summer :)

I TRIED!

I haven't blogged in what feels like ages because I have been extremely busy with school, so I have to make time for fun stuff like blogging.

I decided to write a sonnet for my English class. Honestly, I did it in hopes of getting some extra credit. I mean, who would not want some extra credit? As I was writing it, I was thinking that it was beginning to sound somewhat decent. Hopefully you all think the same.

Summer's Sonnet

I never knew telling you the truth would

Be just as bad as setting off a bomb.

A vanishing of everything that we could

Have been in the dead center of my palm.

The illusion of our love burning in

Flames that demolish what we never had

Makes my own hopes and dreams cease to end in

Very bitter memories- So sad.

But maybe this was serendipity-

A fortunate mistake by my own heart.

No longer will I have false imagery

That would not have worked from the very start.

As the fire continues to burn strong,

My heart begins to write a new song.

**I was comparing telling someone how a girl feels about a guy to a bomb detonating. The shift of the sonnet is in line 9 when I say that it was a good thing for the girl to tell that person how she feels because it never would have worked from the start.**

I know this isn't some jaw dropping, straight up phenomenal sonnet, but I thought this was pretty decent for my first try. I just thought I would share this with you guys. If you don't like it, that is completely cool. All that matters is that I tried! :)

Recap...

Song of The Day: Best I Ever Had by Gavin Degraw

Wooowww! I honestly can't believe I'm already three weeks into my senior year. Everything is starting to settle and sink in that I'm actually graduating in 100+ days. Yesterday that became VERY real to me because I submitted my first college application to Roanoke College! Seems crazy, right? School is going amazing, and I hope it stays that way. Of course there will be times where it may get stressful, but that's life.

The first week of school was beyond overwhelming. I am taking three AP classes this year. Yes, I said THREE! Freshman year, I never would have guessed or even thought about taking three AP classes or even one for that matter. One of my classes is online, and lets just say the first day of that sucked! The whole entire website was just straight up confusing. I finally just started getting the hang of it. 

I have never had so much work to do. I'm not complaining, I am just surprised. At times I feel like I'm in over my head because there is always something I have to be doing. I keep telling myself that this all will pay off in the end. All of the hard work is just preparing me for something greater.

In great news, I was voted senior class VP. Talk about being excited! I also was nominated for homecoming court, but I didn't win that. I was just happy that people nominated me. Everything is falling into place. My grades are pretty good at the moment, and I am happy. The best medicine is happiness :)

There will be moments when things aren't going too well and I will be stressed, but all of this is preparing me. It is preparing me for college and life. I know I can handle whatever life throws my way. I am just so happy and blessed to be surrounded by positive people. I can truly say I am in a great place in my life.

Can't wait to see how the rest of the year unfolds!

- Summer

Digging Down Deep And Realizing...

Song of The Day: In The Shadows Tonight x Megan and Liz

When I look in the mirror, I don't seem to recognize myself anymore. I don't see the girl I want to be. I don't see the girl I SHOULD be. It is funny, because we all have expectations of ourselves. Some people expect themselves to be successful or just a simple living person. I expect so much from myself because people expect so much from me. I have been starting to think that everything I have done to get me this far has been for other people's perception of me. I have spent my whole life trying and trying to be what people like. I have tried to act one way to fit in with the black kids, tried to act another to fit in with the white kids, and I have even changed the way I act to fit in with my screwed up family. The question is why. Why have I done this? I have spent way too much time trying to please people. Truth be told, I like pleasing people. I like seeing people be proud of me. I like seeing people smile at my many accomplishments. After a while, all of this becomes old. After a while you start to realize that this isn't what you want. I don't want to spend the rest of my life pleasing others to make them proud. 

I get an exhilarating thrill from making people proud of me. A euphoric feeling rushes trough my veins. I get a defining smile when someone simply says "I'm so proud of you". All of that makes me feel even better. Once you start doing things that you no longer like to please your 'frieds' or family, your inside starts to hurt. Your mind and body begin to eat you up. By that, I mean your mind challenges you. You start to question yourself. You question your reason for living, your religion, your everything. When you get to a point where nothing makes sense anymore, you don't know what to do. You don't know what's wrong. You feel like you're going insane because your cry for no reason and make pointless decisions. When people ask you what is wrong, you respond with nothing. Truth be told, you don't know what is wrong. 

I don't know what is wrong. Maybe it is my family and maybe it is my friends, the few that I have now. Wanting to cry for no reason is painful. Being alone and not being able to talk to anyone is even worse. Parents say that you can talk to them about anything and they'll listen. Most of the time that's a lie. If I went to them with everything that has been going on in my life, they wouldn't understand. Their first expression would be to quote a scripture or mumble something about a psychologist. Truthfully, I am only saying this about them is because chances are they will never read this, and I'm totally fine with that. I would rather tell a complete stranger how I am feeling than tell my parents or friends any of this. Maybe it is because I'm a hormonal teenager, but feeling confused and lost like this is not normal. We all have our moments in life where we hurt. Feeling like you have no one is not normal in my world. 

Feeling like all of your friends are a million miles ahead and you are still at step one hurts. It is like I am a 'late bloomer' or something. Wanting to be like everyone else, but not wanting to is overly confusing. Everyday struggles are what we are meant to go through, but they become challenging. I hope and pray that I'm not the only sixteen year old girl that feels like this at times. If I am, I don't know what to do. I pray and pray constantly for something, a sign or anything, to come up and assure me that my life and future are going to be OK. I need some type of assurance.

This is how I have been feeling currently. So many things are going on and I'm just scared. I guess I am just afraid of the future. I don't want anyone to think anything wrong of me, but this is how I feel and who I am.  

-Summer 

Call me the Social Media Police?

Song of The Day: Bruises x Train ft. Ashley Monroe

Lately, I have considered myself the 'Social Media Police' [Everytime I see something obscene, I report it]. I'm not kidding, seriously. You can ask my mom if you have to [hahahahaha]! That may sound stupid, but I am completely serious. If no one loves social media, I do. From Twitter, to Facebook, and the almighty Pinterest, I am on board for all of them. When I get on these sites, mainly Twitter and Instagram, I see horrific things. By horrific, I mean people being severely rude to each other and saying vicious things behind a keyboard. Before I go on, I want to clarify things so I won't sound hypocritical. I have before done some stupid and immature things on social media, like Twitter. I just wanted to clarify that because there are some people in the world who CAN and WILL call out a hypocrite SO fast.

The other day, I was on my latest obsession, Vine, and I saw a video of a girl who was bigger in size. She made the fact well known that she is comfortable in her own skin and perfectly fine with her weight. Obviously, the people in the comments did not like that. They were cruel, calling her names such as fat ***, and 'a heart attack waiting to happen'. What in the world would provoke one to call a girl, let alone anyone, those names? I don't quite understand some people's minds. Some people feel the need to point out other people's flaws and their minor or major differences. It is sickening to watch people pick on someone else because they lack excitement in their lives, so they feel the need to ruin someone else's.

The one thing I hate more than anything is seeing people joke on others because of their weight. I don't joke on people's weight because I know I am not poster model for healthy, and I have no problem  whatsoever acknowledging that. I strongly dislike seeing people get picked on for things they cannot control. Even if they can control them, no one deserves to be picked on for whatever the reason is. 

My main point is that people are cruel, and some people are just now realizing that. This world is not nice, and it is full of not so nice people. I try to do my part and be nice and generous to as many people as I can. Sometimes it becomes very hard to be polite to those who don't show the same respect towards you. WE have to do our part by making people realize that beating someone else up emotionally is not going to strengthen their self-esteem at all. We all need a little 'social media police' in us at times to defeat those bullies. 

**The girl I was previously speaking about  said something on Vine that got me. She said something SIMILAR to this, "The people who wish for world peace are the same people who comment things like, 'you're fat, you're ugly."**

https://vine.co/v/hq27dWzbwxL

-Summer.

Ideas, Please!

Song Of The Day: Where You Belong x Kari Kimmel

Part of my intention for this blog was to write about anything and everything. I want people to read this so they will know what goes on in the world and what I think. 

What do YOU WANT to here from me? [meaning what would you like to hear my opinion on] Nothing is off limits. Seriously, you can ask me anything from how I feel on certain issues going on in the world right now to questions about my life. I love giving people my whole opinion to people. I believe that it is very important to let your voice be heard.

Ending this post with a great quote from an amazing song by Emeli Sandè...

"You've got the words to change a nation, but you're biting your tongue. You've spent a lifetime stuck in silence, afraid you'll say something wrong. If no one ever hears you, how are we going to learn your song?" [Read All About It: Part Three]

Almost There!

Song of The Day: Burn x Ellie Goulding [Check It Out]

So, I have named myself the world's biggest PROCRASTINATOR. Summer is already halfway over, and I just started my summer reading YESTERDAY, which consists of three books (I've already read one of them last yer) and an analysis essay. Don't worry, I have come up with a brilliant method to finish fast. I absolutely love coming up with methods to help me with things. If there's a quicker way to finish something, best believe I will most definitely do it. I started off with the first book, 'Kite Runner'. It's kind of big book to me. I figured out if I read 80 pages per day, I should be finished in FIVE days. That's pretty great to me and it helps me work at my own pace. I'm only a fifth through 'Kite Runner', and I can already tell I'm going to like it!

I didn't realize how close senior year was approaching until like last week. This is all surreal to me! I have so many decisions to make in so little time. I already planned on doing college tours, so I guess I'm excited for that. I already have a strong feeling that this upcoming year will fly by. I'm just a little nervous and scared to be graduating next year. Very Scary. Just wish me the best of luck, I'm going to need it!

~Summer Elease

Let's Call This A Start Over?

Hi Everyone! As most of you already know, I used to blog frequently. I kind of fell off that train when school started up last year. I used that blog to my advantage. Whenever something was going on in the world or just in my life, I would write. I found out that writing helped me so much. It simply gave me the opportunity to pour out my feelings onto a single sheet of paper. I write every single thought that is going through my mind at once, and then put it away. I absolutely love the thought of it/

The idea to start blogging again occurred to me when I realized that this upcoming school year would be my LAST in grade school history. Crazy to believe, huh? My main intention of this blog is to share my thoughts on everything and anything with the people I care about the most. I will post about my stance on topics going on in the world and how I am feeling. I really hope that everyone who reads this will enjoy my blog. Everyone is entitled to an opinion, and this is how I am expressing my entitlement right here.

 Enjoy, Everyone.

 
Besos,

Summer L.