Let Me Tell You Something

Song of The Day: Too Beautiful For Words by The Original Broadway Cast Of "The Color Purple" [https://youtu.be/JTNJGWN3xfc]

Life is so beautiful. Waking up every morning and seeing the sun rise and the moon shine bright at night is a blessing. Being able to have air in my lungs and blood pumping through my body is a miracle and having the ability to articulate my emotions and form thoughts and opinions on the world is a gift. But life is also scary. You begin to wonder how something so wonderful can also be so frightening because one moment you feel like everything is JUST right. Your family is in a good place, your finances are stable, and you are happy, but in a blink of an eye your entire life can be shaken up by just one single sentence...

June 6, 2016, I was awakened around 7 in the morning by my mom walking in my room in tears. It was like a shot straight to my nervous system. She said to me, "try to call your daddy. He isn't answering the phone and never showed up at work." At that point, sleep was the last thing on my mind and I was trying to console my mother and pray that nothing bad had happened on my dad's way to work. So many horrible things were going through my mind but I couldn't show that emotionally because I had to be strong for my mother who was upset. After about an hour, I received a phone call from an officer saying that my father was flown to Norfolk General Hospital because he was in a car accident. You know when you're a little kid and you think of something funny but you can't act on it because something serious is going on? That was how I felt in that moment, but with a very different emotion. I had to keep my composure and appear to be stoic while I was freaking out inside because my mom was falling apart at the seams. Let me tell you something. There is nothing worse than seeing your parent cry. It is absolutely heartbreaking. Parents appear to be so strong all of the time, so when they finally break down, it is like you don't know what to do.

Once we arrived at the hospital, I felt a sense of relief because I knew that my dad was alive and stable. Those moments of not knowing are where your faith is tested the most. I remember praying and praying that everything would be ok. I prayed that he would be alive and I prayed for my mother because she was taking this harder than any of us. Can you just imagine that? A person that you have known since you were a child and have been with for almost 25 years being hurt and you can't do a single thing about it? It is scary. I was thinking the whole time that he had to be alive because I could not imagine life without him. I was also thinking that I don't want to have to help my mom plan a funeral anytime soon because I am too young to lose my dad. Thinking back to that Monday and to where we are now (two weeks later), I can honestly say that God works in mysterious ways. There is no other explanation. Prayer works and miracles do happen every single day. Seeing him that Monday morning all covered in glass and torn apart struck something in me. I pray to God no one ever has to face that feeling. I now have a glimpse of what it is like for those that stay in hospitals for long periods of time due to illnesses. It is not fun and it is not something I would wish on my worst enemy (not that I have one). You get no sleep, you're poked several times, and there is no peace. I know how I feel about staying in a hospital, but I can't even imagine what is going through my dad's mind. He has always been extremely independent and active, so seeing him stuck in a bed and not very independent hurts. I pray every single day that he will get out of this hospital and return to his life better than ever. Seeing him go through spinal surgery and blood transfusions just made me appreciate the work of those in the medical field so much more. I thank God for the nurses, surgeons, specialists, EMTs, therapists, and any other people that have contributed to his well-being. They are living angels because he most certainly would not be here right now without their hard work and care.

The most amazing thing that I have seen since all of this happened is the support. You know when things happen and people say that if you need anything, they will help you? Some people actually mean it. It is beyond shocking how people that you haven't spoken to in years will show up and be a blessing to you. The other day my dad said something that really made me think. He said that you never really know whose life you have impacted until something happens to you. The love and kind words that we have received since that Monday has been so heartwarming. Knowing that you have people in your corner that want to see you do better is astonishing. It makes you feel good. I believe that there is a reason for all of this. Everything that is happening in this moment has a purpose. We may not know what that purpose may be now and maybe we will never know, but it means something. The pain, tears, and stress is shaping and strengthening all of us. If there is one thing that has become more evident to me since my dad's accident is that things happen SO quickly. When I went to bed Sunday night, I was not expecting all of this to happen. You can try your hardest to prepare for things like this, but in the end you will never really be prepared because there are some things you cannot prevent. You think you're invincible or the single exception. You think that you're too young to die or people get in accidents everyday, but it won't be you. I was listening to a song and a singer said that "dying is easy...living is harder." You don't realize that until something major happens and shakes up your life and those around you. You can die so easily, but you have to fight to live and that is what my dad is doing. I was telling him that he has so much to look forward so that makes him want to try harder. Seeing him work his hardest in physical and occupational therapy makes me happy because he is trying so hard to beat this.

I am just overwhelmed with the magnitude of God's greatness because every time I think about the various outcomes that could have occurred in this situation, I look up and smile. I can't even begin to really describe it all. I want to thank everyone who has been keeping our family in their prayers because prayer still works. We will get through this. My dad most definitely will get through this. We couldn't have done it all without the love and support.

"...the night can only last for so long. Whatever you're facing, if your heart is breaking, there's a promise for the ones who just hold on. Life up your eyes and see. The sun is rising." ~ Britt Nicole

Pinky Promise

Song of The Day: Holy Spirit by Francesca Battistelli

Because of summer break and everything that has been going on in my life lately, I have had a lot of time to think. Maybe too much time. I constantly find myself lingering over the question of “what am I doing with my life.” I find myself creating images in my mind of what my life could be like, what I could be like. I came to the conclusion that we sometimes spend so much time making promises to others and do not spend enough time making promises to ourselves. I am a total believer of making friends and family a major priority, but when you begin to constantly do so much for others and so little for yourself, you create a problem. I know for fact that I worry a lot about others and sometimes put their burdens on myself. Let me tell you that it is not healthy. It becomes stressful and completely draining. I have begun to lose sight of what I need in my life and what I need to do in order to ensure that I am going to be okay. That is why I am going to make some promises to myself and set some realistic goals. In order to carry out those goals and make those promises to myself, I know that I need to become aware of myself and figure out what I am doing.

I procrastinate a great deal. I never verbalize these thoughts, but I think them constantly. I always tell myself that I am going to make a positive change that I will benefit from immensely, but I never do it. I never realized until now that I’m not "practicing what I preach." I spend so much time telling those around me to keep true to yourself and to never let the words of others or worries of the world stop you from reaching the heights you want to reach. I tell myself this from time to time, but I am not acting on it. It makes me wonder what kind of person I am if I don’t do as I say. I can’t blame the world for my wrongs because that is stupid, but I can definitely blame myself. You tend to hear a lot of people say, “don’t blame yourself” and “it’s not your fault you’re in this position.” Sometimes it’s not your fault because certain things are out of your control, but sometimes it is your fault. You are in some positions because you have allowed yourself to be in these positions. It’s good to realize your faults and take the blame for your actions because it helps you move forward.

I want to make some changes because I have so much to live for. When you realize that you have so much to live for, it makes you want to do better. It makes you want to make positive changes in your life. I have a little sister that needs me. She needs a big sister to look up to and someone to show her that it is possible to make something great out of yourself. I have a family to make proud. I’m going to be an aunt and a role model to a beautiful little girl that needs to know that she can defy the odds. If that isn’t enough to make a person want to do better, then I don’t know what is. I don’t want to be that girl who looks back at her life and realizes that she could have prevented so much by making progressive changes.

It is completely normal to say we are going to do things and never do them. We’re human and it happens, but when you keep saying something for years and years and never act on it, I think it begins to say something about your character. It makes you feel like a hesitator. People say they are waiting for the right time, but that time is now. I am a part of that group of people and I am not ashamed to admit it. If one thing has become evident to me, it is that things happen too fast. You could be perfectly fine one second and gone the next. All we have is this time, and it is a gift. 

Make some promises to yourself. Promise that you are going to do something good. Promise that you are going to stop hesitating. Promise that you will stop living in the past and move on to the future. Staying in the past takes away from the now. Most of all, promise that you will live vibrantly. Everything that you do, do it with a purpose. If you are going through the motions of life and doing things that have no purpose, are you even living? Have a smile on your face and know that everything has an ending point. If you are struggling with something, know that it has to stop eventually.

Once you realize the issues in your life and understand that they need to be dealt with, you can begin to move forward. Believe and make these promises to yourself. Set those goals that you know will make you happy. Make changes that are meaningful to you and see where life takes you.

A Letter To My Freshman Year Roommate

Song of the Day: Younger by Seinabo Sey

***This post is dedicated to my roommate from my freshman year of college. I hope everyone is lucky enough to have found a roommate and best friend at once.***

Dear roommate,

I want you to know how grateful I am for you. Because of you, my college experience was so much better than I thought it would be. In all honesty, I would probably be somewhere close to dead if I did not have you to guide me through this difficult first year. You have seen my at the happiest moments, and you have seen me at my weakest. 

You probably would never believe this, but I was terrified to have you as a roommate. Before college, everyone I knew told me to never room with a friend or someone you have known for a while because it never ends well. Well, I am so happy that everything worked out just fine. I was worried that you were going to judge the hell out of me, which you probably do anyway. I thought we would never get along and fight over the dumbest things, but we didn't. By taking a leap of faith and rooming with someone I have known since my freshman year of high school, I learned that if you go into a situation with a clear head and optimism, things will find a way of working out.

I honestly do not know what I am going to do without you next year. You have set a precedent, my friend. I expect all of my roommates from now on to be as amazing as you are. I mean, who is going to make me Easy-Mac in the middle of the night when I don't feel like getting out of bed? Who is going to make sure I don't die or get arrested after a long night of Blacksburg shenanigans? Who is going to help me make decisions when I'm feeling indecisive, which is 24/7? Where am I going to find another innocent but ratchet individual like you? Most of all, who is going to be my best friend and reassure me that I can continue to press on? You have shown me what true friendship is. It is loving someone without judging them for their wrong doings. It is helping someone out when you know that they are too afraid to ask for it. It is being completely honest to each other and displaying teamwork. I can't imagine how next year is going to be without you. I'll probably call you all the way in Switzerland to ask you what I need to do with me life because we both know I have no idea.

Thinking about all of the crazy adventures we have had over the past nine months makes me want to laugh, but also cry because I know we won't have a chance to do that again for a while. From "borrowing" forks and knives from dining halls because we were too poor to actually buy them to seeing our lives flash before our eyes on 81, I realized how precious and amazing life can be. I can't imagine going through freshman year without you. Where am I going to find another roommate that I can share clothes with or pick on for no reason at all? Probably no where.

You are my best friend, and I want you to know it. These past few days living with you make me realize how blessed I am to call you not only my roommate, but a friend. Thank you for putting up with my craziness. I know I can be a little too much at times, but I am grateful that you have always been there for me. I will always cherish our friendship and our bond. I am writing this because we both know how sensitive I can be. I am not really good with expressing my feelings verbally, so I chose to write them. I know that you think that I'm not going to miss you, but Emmy, I am. 

Take over the world in Switzerland and Africa. I know you will do incredible things, and I'll be counting down the days until January.

Love, Summer Elease Lawrence

"Sometimes you'll laugh and sometimes you'll cry. Life never tells us the winds of why. When you've got friends to wish you well, you'll find that point when you will exhale." -Whitney Houston

A Year Later

Song of the Day: Brother by NEEDTOBREATHE ft. Gavin DeGraw
Today marks a year that I was wait-listed at my then first choice school for college. I remember the very moment when I found out. I came home from school, and I found a letter from that school sitting on my dresser. I looked at the letter and it was like my whole entire world came crashing down. I had my mind set on GMU. I was entirely confident that I would get in. I was scared, thinking that I was going to have to settle and go to Roanoke College. Don't get me wrong, Roanoke is a great school, but I just couldn't picture myself there being happy. I told one of my favorite teachers what was going on, and she told me not to worry. She told that I shouldn't let it ruin my weekend and it will all work out. Mrs. Scott reassured me that everything was going to be fine, and that when one door closes, another one opens immediately.
She was right. I still remember that moment just like it was yesterday. It was March 21, 2014 at 10.24 PM. I was at the National Beta Convention in Richmond with the Beta Club. Someone announced that they got into VT, and I was like, "what? I didn't even know when we were finding out." You see, I only applied to Tech just because. I had all of these doubts. I thought to myself, if I didn't get into GMU, how in the hell would I get into Virginia freaking Tech. My friends and I were trying all day to connect to the server, but the website wasn't working because so many people were trying to log on. Around 10PM, we decide to go to the hotel's lobby where they have computers. Emma, who also applied, checked hers first and she got in. I made up some lame excuse, saying that I wasn't going to check on the computer because I didn't want it to ruin my weekend. I was secretly checking my application status on my phone (thank the Lord for technology). That's when it happened. I found out I got in. I screamed and began to cry. Truthfully, I did not think I would get in. I called my mom and the tear of joy came over me. I had never been happier.
Now that it is a year later, I'm still happy about my choice. I tend to think about what my life would be like if I got into George Mason. Would I be as happy as I am now? Would I have found an amazing group of sisters who accept and love me as if I am blood? It is scary to think about because my life could be entirely different. My love is wonderful and great, and I am just grateful. I never thought I would ever say that I am happy I got wait-listed. At first I was afraid and embarrassing to tell people about that, but now I am at the point in life where I am secure enough to tell people about
how I got to where I am now. I just want people to know that it somehow and someway, things DO work out for the better. I am sure of that.
I thought this quotation was appropriate on this very special day:

"Thank God for all I missed, 'cause it led me here to this." Darius Rucker

What Constitutes A Family?

Family, when defined by my own personal reasoning, is home. It is what you can run to when all else fails. It is what catches you when you begin to slip. It is the one thing in this world that you can truly rely on. Family is not defined by blood, but by love and altruism. True family fights for you. They do anything and everything in their power to make sure that you are safe. They stand up for you and never let others do you wrong by any means. They don't tear you down piece by piece, but build you up slowly to ensure that all of your missing pieces that were taken away by those who claimed to care for your well-being are found. Family is simply there for you regardless of the situation. They don't go behind your back and do things out of spite, but tell you straight to your face when something is up.
Everyone has their own views on who or what makes up "family," and I completely understand that, but family to me is everything. Most people, when they refer to their family, they think of it of every single person who is a blood relative. Me? I don't think that at all. Family are those who show authentic love and care towards you. Although the love and care may be shown in several different forms and sometimes in ways we may not like at times, but it is completely genuine. We all have our extended family like aunts, uncles, and cousins, but how many of those relatives can you count on 24/7? For me, pretty much none. I have learned through observation, and seeing how the people I once thought of as my true family treated my loved ones just changed my outlook on what family really is. Every family is dysfunctional. Lord knows mine is, but I love them. I don't love them because I'm supposed to, but because I know they are directly there for me. The only family I need are my parents, siblings, grandparents, and friends/supporters who love me dearly. By blood I have plenty of family members, but when it comes down to narrowing down the list of people who mean the world to me, most of them aren't on it. That may seem incredibly harsh to them and their feelings, but it is completely honest. I want people in my life that can count on--people that I can call up and know they will do their best to make sure that I am ok. I want people that understand my definition of family and realize that it is so much more than blood and law. It is everything to me. I love my family with my whole heart. Sometimes we may argue and not see eye to eye, but that unconditional love is still there regardless. We may not talk or see each other everyday, but when we see each other after a long time, it is as if nothing has changed and that love is still there. My family is the one constant in my life that I can rely on. When one hurts someone who I consider as family, they hurt me because I feel for them. For example, if someone was to say or do something that hurt my father, it hurts me also because I genuinely love him, and seeing him hurt hurts me. I think that is what family is about. Family should be a united front, standing together always. Family is there for you, regardless of the direction the things in your life are going.

I honestly don't have to explain my reasoning behind this post, but today I want to. The holidays are meant to be spent with those who show unconditional love for you. Christmas means different things to different people, and I completely understand that. I was always taught that Christmas is meant to be spent with your family to fellowship and remember the sole purpose of the holiday (coming from a Christian POV, obviously). I didn't want to spend this precious holiday pretending to be happy in front those who only show true care towards me when I am giving them something or doing things that pleases them. Christmas this year was spent with my immediate family (parents/sister/grandparents), no more. Spending this precious time with them made the holiday even greater. Being in the presence of people who love you regardless of what you get them for Christmas is what this holiday is about. It is about celebrating life and love. And maybe the food, too ;)

I hope and pray everyone had a lovely Christmas. Whether you are a spiritual person or not, I hope it was spent in the presence of people who truly care for you. I'm learning as the years go by that it is not just about the presents we receive, but about the lives celebrated.

***I wanted to close with one of my favorite quotations about family***

"There are too many moments when we are unbreakable. And in this moment, we are one family--constructing road as we go, burning bridges behind us, adding mileage like graceful aging, driving in our car towards moonlight." The Fosters

-Summer Elease Lawrence

My Day

Song of The Day: Something Big by Shawn Mendes (AKA my new obsession) [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mytLRy32Viw]

It’s funny how a conversation with a total stranger can completely change your outlook on your whole entire day. Every Monday and Wednesday after my Creative Writing class, I go to Turner to eat lunch and sit in there for a few hours because my next class isn’t until 2:30PM. As usual, this place is completely crowded. It’s one of the nicer places on campus to eat, and the food is to die for. After walking in the cold, pouring rain, I reach my destination. I walk into Turner, and there is literally nowhere to sit and the lines are outrageous. I don’t know why, but everything seemed so much more crowded today. I began looking for any familiar face and a place to sit. The way Turner is set up is that there are tables and there are “bar-like” seats. I saw an open seat between these two girls. Me, being the awkward individual I am, asked nicely if anyone was sitting there, and one of the girls said no and smiled. I was so glad because I wouldn’t have to look any further and the seat was next to the crepe place.

I come back with my food and eat. Today had already been stressful because I was dealing with Thanksgiving break troubles and assignments for classes that day, plus it is Monday…and raining. Once part of my struggles were alleviated, I was smiling and a little relieved. Out of nowhere, the girl sitting to my left told me that she liked my water bottle. It’s a cute, blue bottle with multicolored anchors and ropes. I responded by saying thank you, and she told me that I seem like a joyful person. That made me so happy because that is one of my favorite things to hear. I try my best to be optimistic and happy all the time. I was a little surprised that she noticed because I hadn’t said or done anything to her but smile. Anyone who knows me knows that I hate making direct eye contact with people and I begin to fidget with my hands or drink water if I’m in an awkward situation. I also touch my face a lot. I can’t help it. She starts to have a conversation with me, and I was completely nervous because I thought our conversation would end with me saying thank you for her compliment. I learned that her name is Rachel, and she is a senior here. She also is in the same major that I am in. After we finished talking about school related things, she says, “this is a weird question, but do you need prayer for anything?” I was shocked because I was not expecting her to ask that. Before I even noticed, I smiled and said yes. She asked me what I needed prayer for, and I said my biology grade. Biology has been my most difficult class this semester, and I have been extremely stressed about it. She continued and asked if there was anything else I needed prayer for, and without even thinking, I said I needed prayer for travelling safety over Thanksgiving break. Right there in Turner, she prayed with me. In the middle of hundreds of people, she took a little moment out of her schedule and prayed with me. She wasn’t ashamed or embarrassed; she just did it. To be honest, for the first time in a while, I prayed and devoted time to God. I’m not perfect, and I am not ashamed to admit that. I know that I haven’t been doing as I should, but in this single moment, I felt whole.

After having her pray for me, I felt so right. I had a brighter outlook on my entire day. I texted my parents about what had just happened because I’m that girl. This just shows me that no matter what you are doing or where you are, God is there. I don’t even know how this girl knew what I needed or that I was having a hard day, but I am so grateful that she did. It is completely true that the way you carry yourself tells a lot about what kind of person you are. At the end of our conversation, she told me that I made her day a lot better. That is so funny because she did the same to me. I think the world needs more Rachel’s—people who aren’t ashamed of who they are and not afraid to talk to some strange person who is having a difficult day.

I just thought I would share this amazing encounter I had this afternoon. I hope everyone has an amazing Monday, and remember, being open-minded and optimistic can change your outlook on life for the better.

--Summer Elease Lawrence

I miss home.

Song of The Day: You Make Me Brave by Amanda Cook & Bethel Music [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6Hi-VMxT6fc] 
***Since it is my 18th Birthday, I thought I would share an adorable picture of me!***
The fact that you are in college really hits hard when for the first time in your entire life you cannot spend your birthday with your family. Today is my eighteenth birthday, and truthfully, all I want to do is spend it with my family. Yes, it is super nice having phenomenal friends here at college who shower you with gifts and love, but nothing amounts to being in the presence of the ones who have spent this very special day with you since birth. It just feels weird to me. I have not been home since July, and the best I get it is a phone call or a Facetime date. Do not get me wrong, getting those calls are the best part of my day, but nothing amounts to the really thing. For the first time, I feel a little homesick. The other I was having a really shitty day, and whenever I feel bad or feel like whining (venting), I call my mom. I know that sounds pathetic, but it is how I deal. I called my mom, and I could sense something in her voice. I do not know what it was, but her voice was just screaming I wish you were here without saying the actual words. I was sitting outside of Pritchard on the phone talking, and all of a sudden, my eyes began to water. I tried to hold it in. I really did…until I talked to my little sister. She is my absolute favorite person, and just talking to her made me want to rush home immediately. I am torn between wanting to have the most amazing experience of my life and wanting to be with my family. I know this is totally natural, at least I hope it is. I know for sure that I am not the only person feeling this way. When I spoke to my mom and told her that I was trying not to stress myself out over my classes, she told me over and over that in the end, all of this will be worth it. I hoped she was right, and somehow, someway, I know she is. Whenever I feel like giving up, I think of my family. They are my motivation. I do not want to let them down, and most importantly, I do not want to let MYSELF down. I have worked way too hard to be where I am, and I am more than sure that I am not going to throw all of this away because I am homesick. I will persevere, and I will do what I need to do.
In life, all you need is a little bit of optimism, and I believe you will be perfectly fine.
--Summer Elease Lawrence