When I look in the mirror, I don't seem to recognize myself anymore. I don't see the girl I want to be. I don't see the girl I SHOULD be. It is funny, because we all have expectations of ourselves. Some people expect themselves to be successful or just a simple living person. I expect so much from myself because people expect so much from me. I have been starting to think that everything I have done to get me this far has been for other people's perception of me. I have spent my whole life trying and trying to be what people like. I have tried to act one way to fit in with the black kids, tried to act another to fit in with the white kids, and I have even changed the way I act to fit in with my screwed up family. The question is why. Why have I done this? I have spent way too much time trying to please people. Truth be told, I like pleasing people. I like seeing people be proud of me. I like seeing people smile at my many accomplishments. After a while, all of this becomes old. After a while you start to realize that this isn't what you want. I don't want to spend the rest of my life pleasing others to make them proud.
I get an exhilarating thrill from making people proud of me. A euphoric feeling rushes trough my veins. I get a defining smile when someone simply says "I'm so proud of you". All of that makes me feel even better. Once you start doing things that you no longer like to please your 'frieds' or family, your inside starts to hurt. Your mind and body begin to eat you up. By that, I mean your mind challenges you. You start to question yourself. You question your reason for living, your religion, your everything. When you get to a point where nothing makes sense anymore, you don't know what to do. You don't know what's wrong. You feel like you're going insane because your cry for no reason and make pointless decisions. When people ask you what is wrong, you respond with nothing. Truth be told, you don't know what is wrong.
I don't know what is wrong. Maybe it is my family and maybe it is my friends, the few that I have now. Wanting to cry for no reason is painful. Being alone and not being able to talk to anyone is even worse. Parents say that you can talk to them about anything and they'll listen. Most of the time that's a lie. If I went to them with everything that has been going on in my life, they wouldn't understand. Their first expression would be to quote a scripture or mumble something about a psychologist. Truthfully, I am only saying this about them is because chances are they will never read this, and I'm totally fine with that. I would rather tell a complete stranger how I am feeling than tell my parents or friends any of this. Maybe it is because I'm a hormonal teenager, but feeling confused and lost like this is not normal. We all have our moments in life where we hurt. Feeling like you have no one is not normal in my world.
Feeling like all of your friends are a million miles ahead and you are still at step one hurts. It is like I am a 'late bloomer' or something. Wanting to be like everyone else, but not wanting to is overly confusing. Everyday struggles are what we are meant to go through, but they become challenging. I hope and pray that I'm not the only sixteen year old girl that feels like this at times. If I am, I don't know what to do. I pray and pray constantly for something, a sign or anything, to come up and assure me that my life and future are going to be OK. I need some type of assurance.
This is how I have been feeling currently. So many things are going on and I'm just scared. I guess I am just afraid of the future. I don't want anyone to think anything wrong of me, but this is how I feel and who I am.
-Summer
