Wanting to feel comfortable again...

Song of Day: Pretty Hurts by Beyoncé

Each year I have the same New Year's resolution--lose weight. Every year I say that I am going to do it. I say that I am going to make this commitment. The beginning of this year, I started my healthier way of eating for like a week, then I fell off. Truthfully, I think it was because I was trying to lose weight for the wrong reason. I thought that if I lost a pound or 20, I would finally get a boyfriend. Pretty pathetic, right? Also, one of the people that I used to be extremely close to was going on a diet, so I was like, "I can do this because they are." Then, one of my long time friends began dieting and she lost TONS of weight. She looks absolutely amazing now, and I am beyond proud of her. She has inspired me to try even harder. This time, I want to lose weight for the right reasons. I want to feel comfortable in my body again. I want to look in the mirror naked and love the reflection I see (TMI?). I want to be able to go prom dress shopping with my friends and not feel so insecure because they have beautiful bodies and I don't. I want to feel good again, and not feel the urge to cry whenever other girls gossip about the teeny tiny pant size. I want to love myself again. I feel as if these are the right reasons.

I have never been a small girl. Even when I was a baby, I was a little chubby. My dad's side of the family is "big boned", as they would say. May I note that I HATE that  phrase! I do not want to let that be an excuse for my size like they do. I know that some people are meant to have a certain body frame, but I feel like this isn't the one I should have. It is extremely difficult trying to lose weight while living in a home where your father cooks the most delicious meals ever. It is simple, I love to eat. It is so hard wanting to feel comfortable about my body image while living in a home surrounded by food. It is hard wanting to eat healthy when I live in a home where the rule is, if you don't eat what's on the table, you don't eat at all. Trust me, I don't complain when I taste the food, but I always feel so bad afterwards. The other day, I went to the dentist, and for some unknown reason, they want to take your weight. My little sister went first, and of course, she barely weighs a pound over 100. Finally, it's my time to go, and my heart begins to race a little bit. I step on the scale, and I tell the nurse, "you don't have to say it out loud." I did not want my mom and sister to know. After I saw my weight, I felt SO upset with myself because I know I can do so much better. I kept making up excuses like, maybe it is a little bit higher because I didn't take off my boots. That moment there, I knew making up excuses was not going to cut it.

I want to do this for myself. I just wish that losing weight was as easy as gaining it. Gaining weight is almost effortless. Losing it, not so much. Do not get me wrong, I love myself dearly. I just want to feel comfortable again. My goal for this year is to lose at least 20 pounds. If I lose more than that, I will be astonished. I know of course it will be hard, and I also know that I say the same exact thing each year, but something about this upcoming year feels different. I have way too much to look forward to in 2014. I will be graduating, going my senior prom, senior trip, college, and I will be turning 18 in the fall. I am beyond excited for all of this.

As we cross into a new year in three days, I want to say that 2013 has been one hell of a year. Honestly, I don't think I have ever cried or stressed out as much as I have this year. This year has had its ups & its MANY downs. I am, and always will be, grateful for the lessons I have learned this year. From everything that I have gathered, the most important thing I have learned is to never let people who don't give a single damn about your life, dreams, feelings, or anything about you for that matter ruin your day. Life is too short to be surrounded by those who don't care. Next year, be around the people who will better your life, not ruin it.

I hope everyone has a lovely New Year...

•••Summer L.

Is it really the most wonderful time of the year for everyone?

Song of The Day: Shake It Up x Natasha Bedingfield [One of my favorite Christmas songs]

Christmas is coming along. It's funny how this is the happiest, yet saddest, holiday for people all around the world. There is always so much festivity and joy during this time, but to know that there are some in the world who cannot feel this excitement for the holiday makes my heart hurt. I just wish there was someway to make this all better so that everyone could share the happiness together. I know that there is the angel tree, food drives, and all of those other donations from communities, but I wish there was someway, somehow, that we as a society could do much more. Knowing that little kids will not have the chance to wake up at the crack of dawn on Christmas morning and not have gifts to open or a table spread with Christmas dinner is disheartening. We take what we have for granted, and it know that is a cliché, but it is too true. A group of ladies at my church recently came back from Kenya on a mission trip, and they told stories how different it is over there. After hearing the summary of their trip, I realize that we have so much to be grateful for, but most of us do not even notice it. The children in Africa were thrilled when they received something simple. They were flabbergasted when one of the women showed them that she could turn her cell phone around different ways to take a photo. They were just shocked that she had a cell phone. Sara (I believe it was her), one of the women who went on the trip, said that when their missionary group arrived to the village, first there were a few villagers arriving, but then several men, women, and children arrived just to see them. They walked just to come and see Americans. She said they kept asking why she was not Caucasian because not many of the previous missionaries consisted of black women. They were just astonished to see people of their own skin color that were from America, the place they have heard so much about. If we all were content with everything we had, our lives would be so much better. If we had the hearts of those children who were happy with what they had, we would all be so different. There is nothing wrong with living a simplistic lifestyle, but we chose not to. Of course those families in Kenya need help because of poverty, HIV/Aids, and other damaging factors, but they have what they need and they're happy with that. 

Another thing that ladies shared from their trip was that the adults and children praised God. No matter what their circumstances were, they praised. They danced, sang songs, and worshipped God for what they had. Hearing that today made me reflect on so much. We all have been given so much, but do we take a single moment to say thank you? A quote on Instagram a while back stopped me, and it said, “What if you woke up today with only the things you thanked God for yesterday?” This single quote opened my mind so much. Take a moment to think about that. What if you woke up tomorrow morning with the things you thanked God for today? What would you awake up with? We have to think about these things. Every single chance we get, say thank you.

Always be grateful for everything you have. If it is only a pair of socks, be grateful because someone in the world does not have that. We do not look like what we have been through, so every chance you have, say thank you. As the holiday approaches, do something that will benefit someone else. We should do this all year round, but if you do not, please do. If you only give a quarter to the people standing in front of stores or give a bag of old clothes to a person in need, that is enough. Do something that will make someone else smile. No one should have to be down during the happiest time of the year. Life is too short not to do good deeds for each other. If you don't have anything to be happy about right now, take a deep breath. You are breathing, and that is EVERYTHING to be happy about.

Happy Holidays! With much love,

Summer E. Lawrence.