Showing posts with label hope. Show all posts
Showing posts with label hope. Show all posts

Friday, June 24, 2016

Let Me Tell You Something

Song of The Day: Too Beautiful For Words by The Original Broadway Cast Of "The Color Purple" [https://youtu.be/JTNJGWN3xfc]
Life is so beautiful. Waking up every morning and seeing the sun rise and the moon shine bright at night is a blessing. Being able to have air in my lungs and blood pumping through my body is a miracle and having the ability to articulate my emotions and form thoughts and opinions on the world is a gift. But life is also scary. You begin to wonder how something so wonderful can also be so frightening because one moment you feel like everything is JUST right. Your family is in a good place, your finances are stable, and you are happy, but in a blink of an eye your entire life can be shaken up by just one single sentence...

June 6, 2016, I was awakened around 7 in the morning by my mom walking in my room in tears. It was like a shot straight to my nervous system. She said to me, "try to call your daddy. He isn't answering the phone and never showed up at work." At that point, sleep was the last thing on my mind and I was trying to console my mother and pray that nothing bad had happened on my dad's way to work. So many horrible things were going through my mind but I couldn't show that emotionally because I had to be strong for my mother who was upset. After about an hour, I received a phone call from an officer saying that my father was flown to Norfolk General Hospital because he was in a car accident. You know when you're a little kid and you think of something funny but you can't act on it because something serious is going on? That was how I felt in that moment, but with a very different emotion. I had to keep my composure and appear to be stoic while I was freaking out inside because my mom was falling apart at the seams. Let me tell you something. There is nothing worse than seeing your parent cry. It is absolutely heartbreaking. Parents appear to be so strong all of the time, so when they finally break down, it is like you don't know what to do.

Once we arrived at the hospital, I felt a sense of relief because I knew that my dad was alive and stable. Those moments of not knowing are where your faith is tested the most. I remember praying and praying that everything would be ok. I prayed that he would be alive and I prayed for my mother because she was taking this harder than any of us. Can you just imagine that? A person that you have known since you were a child and have been with for almost 25 years being hurt and you can't do a single thing about it? It is scary. I was thinking the whole time that he had to be alive because I could not imagine life without him. I was also thinking that I don't want to have to help my mom plan a funeral anytime soon because I am too young to lose my dad. Thinking back to that Monday and to where we are now (two weeks later), I can honestly say that God works in mysterious ways. There is no other explanation. Prayer works and miracles do happen every single day. Seeing him that Monday morning all covered in glass and torn apart struck something in me. I pray to God no one ever has to face that feeling. I now have a glimpse of what it is like for those that stay in hospitals for long periods of time due to illnesses. It is not fun and it is not something I would wish on my worst enemy (not that I have one). You get no sleep, you're poked several times, and there is no peace. I know how I feel about staying in a hospital, but I can't even imagine what is going through my dad's mind. He has always been extremely independent and active, so seeing him stuck in a bed and not very independent hurts. I pray every single day that he will get out of this hospital and return to his life better than ever. Seeing him go through spinal surgery and blood transfusions just made me appreciate the work of those in the medical field so much more. I thank God for the nurses, surgeons, specialists, EMTs, therapists, and any other people that have contributed to his well-being. They are living angels because he most certainly would not be here right now without their hard work and care.

The most amazing thing that I have seen since all of this happened is the support. You know when things happen and people say that if you need anything, they will help you? Some people actually mean it. It is beyond shocking how people that you haven't spoken to in years will show up and be a blessing to you. The other day my dad said something that really made me think. He said that you never really know whose life you have impacted until something happens to you. The love and kind words that we have received since that Monday has been so heartwarming. Knowing that you have people in your corner that want to see you do better is astonishing. It makes you feel good. I believe that there is a reason for all of this. Everything that is happening in this moment has a purpose. We may not know what that purpose may be now and maybe we will never know, but it means something. The pain, tears, and stress is shaping and strengthening all of us. If there is one thing that has become more evident to me since my dad's accident is that things happen SO quickly. When I went to bed Sunday night, I was not expecting all of this to happen. You can try your hardest to prepare for things like this, but in the end you will never really be prepared because there are some things you cannot prevent. You think you're invincible or the single exception. You think that you're too young to die or people get in accidents everyday, but it won't be you. I was listening to a song and a singer said that "dying is easy...living is harder." You don't realize that until something major happens and shakes up your life and those around you. You can die so easily, but you have to fight to live and that is what my dad is doing. I was telling him that he has so much to look forward so that makes him want to try harder. Seeing him work his hardest in physical and occupational therapy makes me happy because he is trying so hard to beat this.

I am just overwhelmed with the magnitude of God's greatness because every time I think about the various outcomes that could have occurred in this situation, I look up and smile. I can't even begin to really describe it all. I want to thank everyone who has been keeping our family in their prayers because prayer still works. We will get through this. My dad most definitely will get through this. We couldn't have done it all without the love and support.

"...the night can only last for so long. Whatever you're facing, if your heart is breaking, there's a promise for the ones who just hold on. Life up your eyes and see. The sun is rising." ~ Britt Nicole

Sunday, December 29, 2013

Wanting to feel comfortable again...

Song of Day: Pretty Hurts by Beyoncé

Each year I have the same New Year's resolution--lose weight. Every year I say that I am going to do it. I say that I am going to make this commitment. The beginning of this year, I started my healthier way of eating for like a week, then I fell off. Truthfully, I think it was because I was trying to lose weight for the wrong reason. I thought that if I lost a pound or 20, I would finally get a boyfriend. Pretty pathetic, right? Also, one of the people that I used to be extremely close to was going on a diet, so I was like, "I can do this because they are." Then, one of my long time friends began dieting and she lost TONS of weight. She looks absolutely amazing now, and I am beyond proud of her. She has inspired me to try even harder. This time, I want to lose weight for the right reasons. I want to feel comfortable in my body again. I want to look in the mirror naked and love the reflection I see (TMI?). I want to be able to go prom dress shopping with my friends and not feel so insecure because they have beautiful bodies and I don't. I want to feel good again, and not feel the urge to cry whenever other girls gossip about the teeny tiny pant size. I want to love myself again. I feel as if these are the right reasons.

I have never been a small girl. Even when I was a baby, I was a little chubby. My dad's side of the family is "big boned", as they would say. May I note that I HATE that  phrase! I do not want to let that be an excuse for my size like they do. I know that some people are meant to have a certain body frame, but I feel like this isn't the one I should have. It is extremely difficult trying to lose weight while living in a home where your father cooks the most delicious meals ever. It is simple, I love to eat. It is so hard wanting to feel comfortable about my body image while living in a home surrounded by food. It is hard wanting to eat healthy when I live in a home where the rule is, if you don't eat what's on the table, you don't eat at all. Trust me, I don't complain when I taste the food, but I always feel so bad afterwards. The other day, I went to the dentist, and for some unknown reason, they want to take your weight. My little sister went first, and of course, she barely weighs a pound over 100. Finally, it's my time to go, and my heart begins to race a little bit. I step on the scale, and I tell the nurse, "you don't have to say it out loud." I did not want my mom and sister to know. After I saw my weight, I felt SO upset with myself because I know I can do so much better. I kept making up excuses like, maybe it is a little bit higher because I didn't take off my boots. That moment there, I knew making up excuses was not going to cut it.

I want to do this for myself. I just wish that losing weight was as easy as gaining it. Gaining weight is almost effortless. Losing it, not so much. Do not get me wrong, I love myself dearly. I just want to feel comfortable again. My goal for this year is to lose at least 20 pounds. If I lose more than that, I will be astonished. I know of course it will be hard, and I also know that I say the same exact thing each year, but something about this upcoming year feels different. I have way too much to look forward to in 2014. I will be graduating, going my senior prom, senior trip, college, and I will be turning 18 in the fall. I am beyond excited for all of this.

As we cross into a new year in three days, I want to say that 2013 has been one hell of a year. Honestly, I don't think I have ever cried or stressed out as much as I have this year. This year has had its ups & its MANY downs. I am, and always will be, grateful for the lessons I have learned this year. From everything that I have gathered, the most important thing I have learned is to never let people who don't give a single damn about your life, dreams, feelings, or anything about you for that matter ruin your day. Life is too short to be surrounded by those who don't care. Next year, be around the people who will better your life, not ruin it.

I hope everyone has a lovely New Year...
•••Summer L.